So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
