Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize