Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
