I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
