I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
