You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
