I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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