community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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