OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
