I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
