I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
