you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
no, he came in my armpit
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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