Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
