never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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