I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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