Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So much rum. So many feels.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
