i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
