How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
