I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I pour the whiskey from now on
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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