your parents love me but you hate me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
