Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
