My cat gives me a boner
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
