just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
