I'm so fucking centered right now
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
