The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
