Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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