your parents love me but you hate me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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