One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
