our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
