The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize