Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
