I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
