This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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