You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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