you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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