i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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