college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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