It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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