I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
