What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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