I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
