"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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