she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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