My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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