You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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