I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
