FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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