i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
