true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
