Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
