I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
