He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize