So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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