I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
