I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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