He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
