things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
