I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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